


It's Always Have And Never Hold, You've Begun To Feel Like Home

by ecs



Series: It's The Wrong Kind Of Place To Be Thinking Of You [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:51:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecs/pseuds/ecs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking at the two of them makes Jon realize he is madly in love with Patrick Timothy Kane II in the really big, stereo-outside-your-bedroom-window, let-you-hog-all-the-blankets, make-you-mixtapes, kind of way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Always Have And Never Hold, You've Begun To Feel Like Home

I.

Patrick sits with his head in his hands. He can’t remember how long he’s been sitting here… it’s been hours, maybe. But it doesn’t matter. Time isn’t going to change the fact that he has royally screwed up tonight. He has screwed up really, really badly.

He can feel not just the disappointment of the western conference final game 7 overtime loss, but also the weight of the entire season on his back as well. Patrick feels laden with expectations and guilt.

Clink. It is the sound of the puck hitting the goalpost. Clink. It is the sound that haunts him.

"Kaner, buddy, what are you still doing here?" Jon’s voice is warm and soothing. He knows Patrick like the back of his hand and he knows that he is thinking about his one timer that hit the goalpost. Patrick doesn’t say anything, he only shakes his head in utter dismay. He finally peels his pressing fingers from his face and looks up at Jon, searching for disappointment. But there isn’t any.

"Its my fault. The loss. I blew it. The goal was practically empty… and I choked… I hit the fucking goalpost with an empty net, for chrissakes," Patrick whispers, his voice cracking. Oh god. Jon can tell he is on the brink of tears.

"C’mon, man. You know that isn’t true. You can’t blame yourself unless you want to blame me, sharpy, saader, duncs, and every other guy who touched the ice out there tonight, as well. We had nine other shot attempts during overtime and not a single one went in. It wasn’t just you Kaner," Jon assures him. Patrick massages his temples methodically and sighs.

Jon can tell that nothing he says will make him feel any different. He just hopes he doesn’t have to see Kaner cry.

"Jonny. I just want to lay down and die right now," Patrick murmurs. It breaks Jon’s heart because he knows that Kaner isn’t even being dramatic… he really does feel like he wants to die.

Listening to him say that is more heartbreaking than watching Alec Martinez’ blue-line shot deflect past Crawford, Jon thinks. Way, way more heartbreaking.

Jon has a strong, overwhelming urge to tilt Kaner’s chin up and kiss him. Kiss him until he doesn’t feel like laying down and dying anymore. Kiss him until the clink of the puck hitting the goalpost fades from his mind. But he doesn’t. He can’t… it wouldn’t be right.

"Why don’t you come back to my place? You can sleepover in the guest bedroom," Jon offers. He doesn’t want Kaner to be alone right now.

"Okay," Patrick agrees, hanging his head down low. He follows Jon to the car in silence and refuses to meet Jon’s worried eyes the whole way home.

II.

Patrick wakes up at an ungodly hour... 7 am. It takes him a moment to process his surroundings and when he finally does, the WCF loss sinks in. 

He groans and wishes he could go back to bed, but knows that theres no chance that will ever happen. He stumbles out of bed and shuffles into the kitchen. It's empty. He opens a few cabinets and pours himself some cereal. He makes himself a cup of coffee from the Keurig machine that he convinced Jon to buy. Jon was initally hesitant, given that he already had a coffee maker at home, but Pat could never figure out how to use it so Jon bought the K-cup for Pat to use on the regular. 

He sits down at Jon's table and flips through the magazines and papers that are scattered about. He is about to reach for the latest ESPN issue when he notices a bright, rainbow colored pamphlet. It's labeled "How Do You Know If You're Gay?" Patrick picks it up and starts to flip through it. He is curious because back in juniors and in high school, Patrick has fooled around a bit with boys. Nothing serious, just a few handys or BJs in the locker room showers. He hasn't ever considered whether or not that would mean he was possibly gay. 

"What are you doing? Why are you looking through my stuff?" Jon asks, defensively. He snatches the pamphlet from Kaner's hand and glares at him. Pat was so invested in reading about LGBT clubs that he hadn't even heard Jon come into the kitchen. 

"I was just reading about LGBT which stands for lesbian-gay-" Pat starts.

"I know what it means," Jon snaps. Pat doesn't know why he is being so cross.

"Why do you even have that in the first place?" Pat asks. 

"Um. I'm working with- well, considering working with that 'If You Can Play' project," Jon lies, shrugging. He tries to make it seem casual but he overdoes it and Kaner tilts his head at him, his head cocked in confusion. 

"Sure you're not just gay for me?" Patrick asks, with a smirk on his face. Jon feels the blood rush to his face and prays to God that Kaner doesn't see him blush.

"You wish," Jon finally says, turning his back on Patrick and walking back into the kitchen. He can feel Kaner staring at him while he scrambles some eggs and tries to pretend that the awkward conversation never happened. 

III. 

Pat drives Jon to clean-out day in his SUV. It makes him feel tall to drive such a big car. But he'd never tell anyone that. Except he was pretty sure Jonny knew that was the sole reason Pat bought the car.

When they get there, everyone else is already in the locker room, talking with the media or with each other. Patrick feels sad knowing that this is the last day that some of his teammates will be wearing the Chicago Blackhawk's jersey. He wants them all to stay, badly, but he knows that can't happen with the '14/'15 salary cap being lower than projected. 

"Peekaboo!!" Sharpie says, running over and embracing Kaner in a long, firm hug. Patrick's back is facing Jon so he can't see that even though Jon is being interviewed, he is undoubtably staring at Sharpie for touching Kaner... his Kaner. Jon's expression is a mixture of possessiveness, aggression, and longing, all in one. He wants to hug Patrick. He wants to kiss Patrick. He wants to f.... Christ. 

After talking with the media and saying goodbye to teammates, Pat looks for Jon and finds him near the door. He slings his arm around Jon's neck and asks him if he's ready to go. Jon looks uncomfortable but nods. Pat notices that he has been very tense recently and wonders why. Mental note, Pat tells himself, ask Jon what's wrong. 

Meanwhile, Jon pretends not to feel the heat of Kaner's hand making contact with the skin just below his sleeve. He wonders how Pat can be so damn careless about everything. 

Jon then realizes that it's probably because Pat doesn't feel the electric buzzing that Jon does whenever their skin makes contact.

He sighs and pretends that the thoughts about touching and kissing Pat will go away if he wills them too. 

IV. 

The boys go out to O'Callahan's for drinks since it is the last time most of them will see each other until the convention. A couple of the guys huddle around the only TV, bitterly watching Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final. A crowd away, Kaner flirts with the bartender, Amanda, a young, pretty brunette. Jon can't help but avert his eyes to the image of the two of them laughing at one of Kaner's stupid jokes. I bet it's not even funny, Jon thinks.

It scares him, how strong and volatile his emotions can be. But looking at the two of them makes Jon realize he is madly in love with Patrick Timothy Kane II in the really big, stereo-outside-your-bedroom-window, let-you-hog-all-the-blankets, make-you-mixtapes, kind of way. He is so damn in love with that boy it's not even funny. Christ.

And because of that, he also feels ill-tempered toward his friend. Mainly, it's because of the amount of girls who are enamored by Pat and vice versa. He is a jealous lunatic, he decides. A jealous lunatic in love.

Pat catches Jon staring and he quickly glances back to the screen, pretending that the two of them never made any eye contact. But Pat comes over anyway.

"Hey man," he says, nudging Jon's shoulder. He pretends to be surprised to see Kaner.

"Oh, hey," Jon replies, nonchalantly. Stay calm or he'll suspect something, he tells himself.

"I saw you looking over at the bartender. Do you want her?" Pat asks, unconcerned.

"What? No," Jon says, shaking his head at Pat's naivety. He is somewhat relieved that Pat has not yet accused him of the obvious.

"I mean you can have her, if you want. It's not a big deal. I don't mind at all," Pat presses on.

"Kaner, she isn't a piece of meet for christ sakes. It's like you're asking me if I want one of your chicken nuggets. Jesus," Jon retorts, the disgust practically seeping from his voice. 

Pat takes a step back and lifts his hands up in a surrendering motion. It looks as if Jon wants to hit him.

In this moment, Jon hates himself. He hates himself so damn much. He hates himself for being a jealous lunatic who is possessive over something he doesn't even have. He loves Kaner but he is absolutely full-blown stupid if he doesn't suspect anything by now. He looks over at Amanda who is staring at Pat with literal hearts in her eyes. Jon sighes. Be the bigger person, he reminds himself. 

"Listen, I'm sorry. I'm just upset about losing and the game has got me bitter. It feels like it should be us out there, you know? Go back to Amanda. She's a cutie and she seems really into you," Jon apologizes, trying to sound as genuine as possible. 

Pat lingers around for a moment, unsure of Jon's drastic mood swings, but eventually meanders his way through the crowd back to Amanda. 

VI. 

"That's your teammate, right? Jonathan Toews?" Amanda asks, absolutely butchering the pronunciation of Jonny's last name. Poor kid, Pat thinks, maybe that's why he's in a piss mood - because nobody can fuckin' say his name right.

"Yeah, I was just checking up on him," Pat says. But all he can think about is Jon's words, which burn bright in his mind. He was probably right, Pat thinks, about the whole treating-amanda-like-she-was-a-chicken-nugget ordeal. Maybe, it would do him good to settle down a bit. It sure would get him off deadspin and out from under the scrutinizing eyes of his captain. 

"Aw, that's so sweet," she coos at him. 

"Hey, you know what? We should go on a date sometime. Maybe you could give me your number, if you're interested or whatever?" Pat asks, shyly. He isn't used to asking girls out. He wasn't ever a one-girl guy, in all honesty. 

Amanda grins and scribbles her number on a drink napkin and hands it to him. Pat glances over his shoulder and looks at Jonny, who is sitting pin-still, eyes mechanically glued to the TV screen. What the fuck is up with him? Pat almost wonders out loud.

VII.

Jon drives Pat home. Silent car rides seem to be their thing lately. Jon finally pulls the Benz into the driveway of Pat's bachelor pad but he doesn't get out.

"Are you sure everything is okay?" Kaner asks, breaking the awkward silence.

"Yeah, no everything is fine. Don't worry about it man," Jon says with a half-smile. 

"Okay well you know you can tell me anything, right? There aren't any secrets between us," he says hopping out of the car. "Oh and one last thing, I thought a lot about what you said. With the whole Amanda/Chicken nugget analogy. I'm going to settle down with her, I'm taking your advice and all. It might do me some good. And you're right, she's really into me - we're going on a date. Thanks for being my moral support system buddy," Pat says, letting the door shut after him. He looks back and waves to Jon, who sits in the driveway with a sick feeling in his stomach. 

Jon drives home and curses himself the whole way. Of course he fucking advises the guy he is in love with to settle down with someone else. Either he has terrible luck or the God above is sending him signals that tell him none of this is meant to be. Jon fears the latter.

VIII. 

Pat is supposed to leave for Buffalo but doesn't. He cancels his flight to stay with Jonny, who has come down with the flu. He lets himself into Jon's modest apartment and flicks on the lights. Jon is laying on the couch, looking like death in human form. He is paler than Patrick in the winter and his face has gone unshaven for way, way too long.

"You can't seriously be sitting in the dark all day, man. Here, have some chicken noodle soup. Amanda made it," Pat says, hovering over lifeless Jonny. He groans in reply, signifying that he is indeed alive and reaches over for the soup. It's hard not to hear the excitement in Pat's voice when he says her name, Jon notes. While he is slurping the soup and trying not to be jealous, Patrick rummages through Jon's cabinets.

"For, like the most adult person I know, I find it really funny that you don't even have a thermometer," Pat remarks. 

"That's cause I never get sick," Jon manages to croak out. Pat rolls his eyes and goes back to hovering over Jonny.

"Close your eyes," he tells Jon. He leans down so close that Jon can feel the warmth of Kaner's body. Is he going to kiss me? Jonny wonders. And Patrick does.

On the forehead. 

"Yeah, you're definitely warm. Did you know that your lips are more sensitive to heat than your fingertips are? My grandma taught me that trick," Kaner says to a very, very shocked Jonny. A very, very shocked Jonny who is still savoring the touch of Pat's lips pressed against his skin.

"Thanks," he says and he means it. Jonny closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. He dreams about Patrick kissing him... kissing him on the forehead, on the lips, on the shoulder blade... Christ.

IX.

Jonny awakes mid oral-sex-dream to Kaner highlighting a book on the chair next to him. He looks up and smiles, completely oblivious to the fact that Jonny was just sucking him off in another world. 

"Hey buddy, you're awake," Pat says, holding a neon pink highlighter.

"What are you reading?" Jon asks, trying to forget about Kaner's dick in his mouth.

"Benediction by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Erica gave me a list of his short stories that she wanted me to read. They're really good. Want to hear this awesome quote?" Pat asks eagerly. Jon nods. Thats the thing about Pat, he thinks, he's always coming up with new ways to surprise you. He clears his throat and reads

Until your letter came, dear, I'd been sitting here in the half dark and thinking where I could go and ever forget about you; abroad, perhaps, to drift through Italy or Spain and dream away the pain of having lost you where the crumbling ruins of older, mellower civilizations would mirror only the desolation of my heart - and then your letter came.

"Wow," Jon remarks, genuinely shocked by Kaner's ability to connect to a romantic like Fitzgerald. "Amanda is really changing you, huh?"

Kaner smiles and shrugs. 

In a cruel, selfish way, Jon is disappointed that Pat doesn't even try to deny it. It takes this to make Jonny realize that he is losing his chances with Kaner every second he holds his feelings back. But not even this gives Jonny enough balls to admit out loud that he's gay for his best friend and fellow teammate. 

X.

Jon finally recovers and Pat packs up his things again. Jon is sad to say goodbye, as he knows what Kaner-withdrawls do to him, but he also thinks it will do him some good to be alone with all these bundled up feelings. He drives Pat to the airport and locks him into a tight hug. 

"Say hi to your sisters for me okay?" he says into Pat's ear. Pat pulls away from the hug and squints at Jonny.

"You better not be trying to hit on them, Toews. I will kill you," he says, laughing. Pat shouldn't be worried about him hitting on that part of the Kane clan, Jon thinks to himself.

"I promise, I'm not. Have a safe flight, Kaner. And we'll talk later... about our contract situation and stuff," Jon reassures him. Pat nods in agreement. 

"I'll miss you buddy!" Pat says, shifting his feet. He starts to walk towards security and waves back at Jonny, who leans against his car with his arms folded across his chest. 

"Yeah," Jon finally says. "I'll miss you, too." But Patrick is already gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember that even though this is RPF (Real Person Fiction), it does not mean that any of the scenarios above are in fact real. ENJOY!


End file.
